i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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