i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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