I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
