Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
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