When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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