it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
