Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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