Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
