remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
