ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
