so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
