there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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