i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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