He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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