Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
