Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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