man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
