haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
