That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
