Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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