she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
