Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Randomize
