If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
