I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
