and next time when you feel me up, do it right
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
