....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
