Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
