I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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