mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
do nipples grow back?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
