Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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