Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
