do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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