Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
