I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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