Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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