imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
