mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
