At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
