You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
