I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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