She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
