no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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