you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
she peed on how many people?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
