How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
And then the night went full on bisexual.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
