dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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