those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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