you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
