when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
