Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
