What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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