She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Randomize
